Dear Honors Help Desk, I’m afraid to come to Honors Tea because I’m not sure how to comport myself while passing the nudes on the west wall of the ARCC’s second floor. Any advice for me?
– Clothed in Tibstra.
Dear Clothed in Tibstra, besides reminding yourself (as Mark Twain once said) that naked people have little or no influence on society, here are a few useful practices:
1. Try jogging slowly but purposefully past the images with a distant, distracted look in your eyes. This works best if you’re not wearing your backpack,
2. Alternatively, you could crawl on your hands and knees at the base of the wall for thirty feet until you have passed the sketches.
3. Whenever you pass the pictures, point to them and say with steady, quiet anger, “That’s what I’m talking about.”
4. As you walk by each image, use your two pinkies to gauge the size of a model’s feet. If you shake your head thoughtfully, this conveys impartial aesthetic interest.
5. To further cultivate the asexuality of your attention, stand about a nose-distance away from a given picture. Say, “Huh!” loudly at things occuring at this granular level.
6. Try bowdlerizing. Pick up pieces of grain, conveniently scattered across the floor at the south end of the building and, with a glue stick, create attractive grass skirts for the women in the pictures.
7. Lean with your back against the wall between two of the nudes. Stare at people sullenly as they walk by. Ask them what they’re looking at.
8. You know those big headphones everybody’s wearing these days? Put the earphones on sideways, one phone on your nose and one on the back of your head. No one will notice where you’re looking.
9. As you stroll by the images, create obscure aesthetic observations: “I just love the idiosyncratic elasticity of her symmetries and the balanced patency of her spatialities.”
10. Put up an angry poster protesting the absence of nude spider monkeys.