As an effort to raise funds, a sub-committee of the Honors Committee has convened to discuss how Trinity might produce its own variations on The Hunger Games. Please consider these proposals and suggest which might be most interesting to our constituents in a theatre near you.
The Tired Games
In this tightly framed thriller, four students from Tibstra, Alumni, West, and South are locked in CL 201 in order to see who can stay awake the longest. In the middle of the room, there is a cache of sodas, amphetamines, and cans of Red Bull. To add to the tension, an audio recording of an anonymous professor lecturing on obscure trigonometric functions airs constantly, digitally altered for maximal tediousness.
The Friendly Games
After randomly selecting two administrators, two professors, two custodians, and two transfer students in a campus-wide lottery, the Friendly Games begin! The contestants must pace the quad between Vander Velde and the Classroom Building. When any two contestants meet, they must exchange the most plastic greeting possible. Permissible weapons might include The Trin Wave, the Troll Hug, and the Can’t-Remember-Your-Name Hey There! Greeting. The contestants earn points based on their abilities to innovate new forms of artificial hospitality.
The Silent Games
May the loudness be ever in your favor! This riveting and psychologically troubled drama pits representatives from different segments of the campus against each other. Their mission: approach the desk of an on-campus clerk or teller or administrative, make eye contact, and remain silent for as long as possible. The judges award greater points based on greater bodily risk, for example, for those contestants who practice sustained silence while standing directly in front of the BBC cashier at 6:03pm.
The Styrofoam Games
Cafeteria contestants seek the most surreptitious modes of conveying Styrofoam lunch containers through the to-go line of the Caf. Past competitors have camouflaged their containers, carried them under their Mockingtroll tee-shirts, raising three fingers in a Styrofoam District 12 salute to the security camera, and bribed Caf workers to hand them the Styrofoam containers over the deli counter.
The Public Speaking Games
This tensely plotted action flick moves with all the pace and energy of a COMM 101 syllabus. The trailer for this film implies that the Speech of Introduction is actually due within three weeks of the start of the class! And, to add to the tension, at random points the game designers drop in Impromptu Speeches. The Persuasive Speech, complete with a full-sentence outline, brings this film to a pitch of unprecedented excitement.
If these proposals sound a little grand, be assured that we are already in conversation with the producers of John Carter, who have agreed to oversee all the design, casting, and mass-mediated dimensions of our production